Rules for rock 'n' roll
posted by Tom Violence @ 7:57 PM
Oh hey guys! How you all doin' tonight? You know, I really miss the days that rock and roll music made some sense! I think rock and roll music has lost a lot of its novelty since 1974! Are you a musician? Oh good! That means you agree with me! You know, rock and roll should go back to sounding like Jethro Tull, all the time! Every album should sound exactly like Aqualung, right down to the chord changes! All of this "natural progression", "moving forward" stuff I keep hearing is bullshit! Rock and roll attained perfection in the 1970s and everything since should just be IGNORED!
phwoaaaaaaahhhhhh
So to combat this and get music back to the way it should always have sounded, I figure it's time to institute some rules! So here are the rules I formulated, because, being a musician myself, I am perfectly entitled to do so and I expect everyone to follow these rules to the letter!
1) Every band should practice for at least nineteen hours a day. Got a job? Quit it! Rock and roll is your job now! Lose your friends, too. Or at least the ones who are calling you a pretentious fuck and or who laugh at your obvious lyrical prowess! THEY KNOW NOTHING! LET YOUR GENIUS SOAR UNFETTERED!
2) It's not a rock song if it's not prog. No other genre will ever matter as much as prog! If you're writing a song, it needs to be at least forty minutes long, and at least half of that needs to be... that's right... GUITAR SOLOING. The audience won't get bored as long as you're awesome. You should expect your audience to be transfixed by the snake-esque movements of your pinky fingers. You are skilled. You have a craft. And you need to show it off - for around twenty to thirty minutes at a time. Let the muse take you and ravage you!
3) All lyrics should contain at least one reference to a Nordic God, or ancient Greek deity, or should follow the structure of the Iliad or Dante's Inferno to the fucking T. Also, keep it cryptic! It doesn't matter what you write about, as long as it makes no sense to ANYONE. Not even yourself. Sure, you could write about things like angst or love or anything else, but then you'd be a fucking poser.
4) Do you have prescription glasses? For your shitty eyesight? DON'T WEAR THEM ON STAGE! If you are in a rock band you need to have no visible imperfections. The little girl-things in the front row must look up towards you as if you were a golden god fulfilling their every fancy and whim. Skinny geeks don't get the groupies, man. Golden gods do. Be perfect. And if you can't be perfect, give up music right now.
5) Feedback is icky. Every recorded song and performance on any album ever should sound like it was produced by Phil Spector, and not Steve Albini. I don't even know who Steve Albini is! That just goes to show you how stupid he must be! That stupid gay face! So STUPID!
6) Did your drummer just miss a beat? You can't have that if you're going to become a full fledged rock and roll sensation, no you certainly can't. So if your drummer misses a beat, make up for it by laying a beat down on his/her face, in front of everybody. There can be no compromise when it comes to your artistic vision!
7) Dance like an idiot. If you're getting the right audience, they'll be so stoned that they'll think your movements elicit images of wonder and merriment, and not the bowel-rumbling remnants of curried meals past.
8) If you're gonna really rock out, you need to have the hair to prove it. Grow it long! Unless it's getting tangled in your guitar strings, it's not long enough! Short hair is so... so... obscene.
9) Got a few obscure instruments? Throw 'em all into the mix! There's no such thing as "too cluttered".
10) Are you an average suburban middle-class white kid? Fuck that! Get some Eastern philosophy into you! Really, any one will do. Even better, mix them all together. Fuck around with them. It'll make you look more interesting and the chicks will REALLY dig you for it. Also, it's important to remember that it's totally not gay as long as he's a reiki master.
11) If someone disagrees with you on anything you do, mock them. Mock them until they have killed themselves or at least gotten out of your field of vision. Especially if they're your friends or family. It doesn't matter how many people you alienate as long as you get a recording contract out of it in the end!
Furthermore, if you think any of this is serious, you're more retarded than the people I'm mocking. Anyone who tries to apply rules to rock music obviously has so many incorrect and pre-conceived notions about it that they may as well have never listened to it at all. May there always be unique, genre-defying music and musicians, may there always be at least one amazing talent to bring music forward from whatever dump it has placed itself in, may independent music and independent thought in music always exist; and always remember, it's not progressive if it's regressive.
THANK YOU CLEVELAND!
YOU HAVE BEEN GREAT!
P.S. Steve Albini is an amazing producer. Probably my favourite. Also, I'm pretty sure his face is neither stupid nor gay. Just clearing that up.
phwoaaaaaaahhhhhh
So to combat this and get music back to the way it should always have sounded, I figure it's time to institute some rules! So here are the rules I formulated, because, being a musician myself, I am perfectly entitled to do so and I expect everyone to follow these rules to the letter!
1) Every band should practice for at least nineteen hours a day. Got a job? Quit it! Rock and roll is your job now! Lose your friends, too. Or at least the ones who are calling you a pretentious fuck and or who laugh at your obvious lyrical prowess! THEY KNOW NOTHING! LET YOUR GENIUS SOAR UNFETTERED!
2) It's not a rock song if it's not prog. No other genre will ever matter as much as prog! If you're writing a song, it needs to be at least forty minutes long, and at least half of that needs to be... that's right... GUITAR SOLOING. The audience won't get bored as long as you're awesome. You should expect your audience to be transfixed by the snake-esque movements of your pinky fingers. You are skilled. You have a craft. And you need to show it off - for around twenty to thirty minutes at a time. Let the muse take you and ravage you!
3) All lyrics should contain at least one reference to a Nordic God, or ancient Greek deity, or should follow the structure of the Iliad or Dante's Inferno to the fucking T. Also, keep it cryptic! It doesn't matter what you write about, as long as it makes no sense to ANYONE. Not even yourself. Sure, you could write about things like angst or love or anything else, but then you'd be a fucking poser.
4) Do you have prescription glasses? For your shitty eyesight? DON'T WEAR THEM ON STAGE! If you are in a rock band you need to have no visible imperfections. The little girl-things in the front row must look up towards you as if you were a golden god fulfilling their every fancy and whim. Skinny geeks don't get the groupies, man. Golden gods do. Be perfect. And if you can't be perfect, give up music right now.
5) Feedback is icky. Every recorded song and performance on any album ever should sound like it was produced by Phil Spector, and not Steve Albini. I don't even know who Steve Albini is! That just goes to show you how stupid he must be! That stupid gay face! So STUPID!
6) Did your drummer just miss a beat? You can't have that if you're going to become a full fledged rock and roll sensation, no you certainly can't. So if your drummer misses a beat, make up for it by laying a beat down on his/her face, in front of everybody. There can be no compromise when it comes to your artistic vision!
7) Dance like an idiot. If you're getting the right audience, they'll be so stoned that they'll think your movements elicit images of wonder and merriment, and not the bowel-rumbling remnants of curried meals past.
8) If you're gonna really rock out, you need to have the hair to prove it. Grow it long! Unless it's getting tangled in your guitar strings, it's not long enough! Short hair is so... so... obscene.
9) Got a few obscure instruments? Throw 'em all into the mix! There's no such thing as "too cluttered".
10) Are you an average suburban middle-class white kid? Fuck that! Get some Eastern philosophy into you! Really, any one will do. Even better, mix them all together. Fuck around with them. It'll make you look more interesting and the chicks will REALLY dig you for it. Also, it's important to remember that it's totally not gay as long as he's a reiki master.
11) If someone disagrees with you on anything you do, mock them. Mock them until they have killed themselves or at least gotten out of your field of vision. Especially if they're your friends or family. It doesn't matter how many people you alienate as long as you get a recording contract out of it in the end!
Furthermore, if you think any of this is serious, you're more retarded than the people I'm mocking. Anyone who tries to apply rules to rock music obviously has so many incorrect and pre-conceived notions about it that they may as well have never listened to it at all. May there always be unique, genre-defying music and musicians, may there always be at least one amazing talent to bring music forward from whatever dump it has placed itself in, may independent music and independent thought in music always exist; and always remember, it's not progressive if it's regressive.
THANK YOU CLEVELAND!
YOU HAVE BEEN GREAT!
P.S. Steve Albini is an amazing producer. Probably my favourite. Also, I'm pretty sure his face is neither stupid nor gay. Just clearing that up.
Labels: accusations, fuckwits, irony, music
