Corey Delaney On Big Brother = Fail.

Tonight, I will watch Big Brother.

This will be the only time in the history of the show that I will actually sit down and witness a full 60min episode, so just remember your bearing witness to something miraculous. As the title states, the only reason I'm actually opening my eyes to this sorry excuse for television is because Corey Worthington is 'crashing' the house tonight and I know that its going fail. Theres no doubt about it. To prove my witness, here's a time line of the show this evening. Don't enjoy:


7:30 - Preview, Big Brother shows the house mates the 'party' outside which consists of lame ass party hats, fairy bread and Twister. WOW! I cant WAIT for Corey to come LIVEN UP THIS FESTIVAL OF MATURITY!!! God damnit....

7:32 - Kyle Sanderlands looks more stiff than my giant erection.

7:35 - Kyle announces that the press are saying 'this is the most cruel Big Brother so far.' To watch, obviously.

7:37 - I mute the TV because I cant stand the obnoxious voice on that blond moron, but realise I actually need to listen to deliver this post, so I'm already pissed off and we're not 10 minutes in.

7:38 - The midgets teeth are bigger than her nose. Holy shit.

7:41 - The crowd actually BOOED when they announced he was arriving on the show later. Oh man, this is going to kick ass. I pity you if your not witnessing this spectacular event.

7:47 - Something about Internet people going in...who cares.

7:51 - That guy with the ridiculously high voice? What? Was his fetus spawned inside a helium tank? Everyone in this place is a complete retard. Nobbie? Theres a guy named Nobbie? I'd rather jam my foreskin in a bus door than associate with anyone in this place.

8:01 - Fell asleep. This show is incredibly boring, You never realise how much until you actually watch it. Screw all this filler, where the hell is Corey?

8:09 - Theres some kind of owl I think sitting on top of my basketball ring outside, I saw it when I went to get a beer. But I don't wanna get too close to it in case its something more uber that might mess my shit up. Apologies to derive from the main story, I just thought this might be more interesting. Mabye its a bat!?

8:14 - How awesome. The most voted for Internet housemate sits at home all day, bludges off our taxes and has 20,000 friends on MySpace! What a hero, seriously, its really no surprise why he got chosen over everyone else. I'd hang around with this guy in a heartbeat. Hopefully he'll do something pretty damn hardcore like shuffle decks of cards with the joker in it or not brush his teeth.

8:17 - Corey is booed again. Camera zooms in on this kid in the greenroom chillin' with his iPod and shitting his pants. I can't wait.

8:22 - Wow, finally we found out the story behind the glasses. What a sensitive guy, he hates girls been hurt. I think I'm finding a new found respect for this asshole. Did I keep that color in my hair after my production at school? Hell no. He's got enough acne to become a McDonalds manager.

8:24 - Kyle and Jackie-O cant stop the audience booing and I cant stop laughing my ass off at the kid all the way through the interview before he enters. This must be the defining moment when he realises how much the Australian public dislike his smarmy attitude.

8:28 - Corey. Will. Not. Party. Why are they still pitching this? I would make sweet, sweet love to every booing member in that audience.

8:37 - Did I say an hour before? I'm sorry, they somehow managed to stretch this for an extra thirty minutes. Grand.

8:40 - Holy sweet Jesus mother of fucking god damn Christ. They're making the Pauline Hanson loving Nazi grandma mother Corey in the house. This is the turning point, I actually cant wait for the ad break to finish. I take back everything I've said, I fucking I love this show. Big Brother is going to destroy this kid.

8:45 - Isn't it great how the slam the 'LIVE' watermark in the corner, yet somehow manage to censor every explicit? Ooh, Corey enters. The disappointment couldn't be more obvious. Its hilarious trying to watch this people mask their contempt for this tool.

8:50 - Shit, here comes the grandma. I have an erection.

8:52 - OH MY GOD! They swore so much, the explicit beeper was held down for 24 seconds. I shit you not. The fat black girl just asked that Nobbi guy if he wanted to squeeze her boob to make him feel better.

9:01 - I take back what I said again, fuck this show.