Pirates 3; Bad Or.....Bad?
posted by A.J @ 11:44 PM
This man.
Dont get me wrong, Johnny Depp is an amazing actor. For someone so blaintently drug-fucked to act out all the parts he does impresses me to no end, its just the persona he gives off, especially for this film. Take a typical analytical discussion with any woman on the face of this planet to prove my point:
Me: 'I think the new Pirates movie failed horribly compaired to the others, the storyline was confusing which matched the fact that nothing was funny, and the director took a compleate disreguard to making this one smooth running story between two films."
Woman: "Yeah....but Johnny Depp was SOO hot, oh my god *giggles*, the part where he blah blah blah...."
For. Fuck. Sake. I hate the fact that every tubetop wearing bimbo wants to make love to the film reel just because Depp shows skin. Heres the real reasons why Pirates 3 blows.
1. Too Damn Confusing.
The main reason why this film dived is because it uses the Harry Potter method; take seven hours worth of story and try to cram it into a three hour movie (a good 4 episodes in and Potter fans still dont get it). News flash: this cannot be done. The books are fine, but when you try to fit a years worth of story into a flick, just red rubber stamp fail all over it. Anyway, this film does the same thing, which is suprising because the second was written to set it up. It had a clear storyline, didnt rush anything and kept all the humour, adventure and basic princpials from the fisrt one, ending on a cliffhanger with the return of Barbosa (note: this film was saved because of Geoffry Rush). So why in the third did they feel the need to skip hours worth of storyline and have them suddenly rock up in Singapore with no explenation as to their whereabouts? Its of course explained later on, but why bother confusing the audience like that? The was no need to be clever, the film just needed to pick the fuck back up from where it left off, yet even this seemed beyond them. Most films could get away with this technique as theres a gap inbetween writing and shooting films, yet these two were taken at exactly the same time. So whats the excuse?
Skip that, and we have Depp on a boat in the middle of a desert with dozens of his replicars quite obvious doing useless shipwork, whilst crabs made out of rocks carry the boat to water. Get it? Neither do I, the whole entity of this shite was just so they had an excuse to throw in multiple shots of the aforesaid douchie-asshole, allowing back-row fans twat fiddling to spray juicy goodness all over the paying customer infront of them. Just inconsiderate.
2. Useless, Wasteful & Downright Stupid Scenes.
Not in that order, about half of this movie carried any of the above three titles:
- Whirlpool scene where two boats swirl around shooting at each other for 40min to absoultly no prevail: USELESS.
- Turner and Swan get married by Barbosa.....during a sword fight: STUPID. (please...)
- Calypso turning into a giant ruled, yet she does nothing besides turn into those stupid-ass crabs and fuck off: WASTEFUL.
- The crew running back and forth on a full sized ships deck, swaying it until such momentium allowed the boat tipped ass over tit (were they serious?): STUPID.
- Two ships blow apart one ship containing the head bad guy (weak way of dying incedently) and thousands of other ships turn around and leave, instead of just blowing the hell outta them and allowing a half decent fighting scene: WASTEFUL & STUPID.
I will admit though, there were two parts that rocked balls: anything involving Keith Richards and Depp final line 'drink up me hearties, yo-ho!', polishing off the film just as the first one did. The dude who came up with these ideas obviously pissed off to Malta to get laid on a regular basis rather than stayed and helped, asshole.
3. Orlando Bloom, As Always, Was Awful.
Cement a brick wall at the ships wheel and youll have a more worthy actor than Bloom. Hes like a nuns front crack, boring as fucking hell and so dolled up that if you saw him standing anywhere in the background, you'd double-take thinking it was a wax figure.
4. After The Credits Was Lame.
Every blockbuster film always slips something in after the credits finish rolling just to piss off cinema cleaners like myself. Why? Technically, we cant chuck shit under the seats until everyone has left, so when idiocy spreads about the 'secret bit at the end', people stay and wait, therefor meaning I have to wait until these assholes shuffle out. Good endings are ones that hint on things to come, such as teasers for the next movie, or finishing off the current film properly. Bad ones have nothing to do with anything, like Finding Nemo. Well Pirates 3 delivers alright, producing quite possibly the lamest piece of trash ever concieved and placing itself in a whole new catogory alltogether.
No doubt after this, ill be berated with useless hatemail in angry green font. I dont care. I stand on the fact that this is one of the worst endings to a trilogy ever made, and no email of hate will change that, unless its in angry red font. Then its a different story.
Labels: bad films, movie review, Pirates Of The Caribbean
